Obscene Bubbles
by Eveni
Summary: “You, Iruka. And Kakashi. And mansex. That’s what I’m talking about. And I’m saying that in a few years, if you don’t let him screw you, he’s gonna move on. And go at it with Gai.” Pure, unadulterated crack. KakaIru


Okay, first Naruto themed yaoi. Damn, I am so scared this won't go over well . 

Anyway, this is a little ficlet that popped into my head a few hours ago, and I decided to write.

Disclaimer: Okay, okay. I admit it, I own Naruto. He is mine, as well as the rest of the cast. Do you sense my sarcasm? I think you do. Because if Naruto was mine, they would be little black haired kyuubis and blonde avengers. So there.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Iruka stared at the enormous army of teenaged girls in front of him. Little clouds made their way past him, tickling his nose and getting caught in his hair. Bubbles, filled with images of various bishounen were floating about, most of which indulging in activities that made our favorite academy teacher turn pink.

One girl had what appeared to be a broken nose. Attempting to break the deafening silence, he asked where she had gotten it.

"From a HET warrior." She replied.

A boom, a flash of smoke, and the girls' heads all snapped to face the direction of the sound.

They parted, like a pair of gigantic doors, to reveal a tall blonde teen. She wore a sailor moon-esque outfit, skirt, crown, boots and all. Her lips were pulled into a frown. She stepped forward, placing a hand on Iruka's forehead in a motherly way.

Then she smacked him.

"What the hell is your problem? Get your fucking act together!"

"N-nani?" Iruka asked, stammering from the pressure. She was rather menacing, for a kid.

"If you don't step up, young man, he's gonna freaking end up with Gai-sensei!"

"Ma'am, would you mind telling me what-"

"You, Iruka. And Kakashi. And man-sex. That's what I'm talking about. And I'm saying that in a few years, if you don't let him screw you, he's gonna move on. And go at it with _Gai_."

"Are-are you joking, I'm not-"

The girls laughed, some doubling over in their mirth.

"'You're not gay'," The blonde finished, amused. "We know. That's what they all say." She leaned down, smoothing her skirt over her legs. "That's what Naruto said, and look at him now."

Iruka, in all honesty, had no idea what she was talking about.

"Excuse me?" He said again, scratching at his cheek in confusion.

One girl laughed nervously. "You honestly didn't notice?"

He coughed. "Notice _what, _exactly?"

"That he and Sasuke-kun have been screwing like bunnies for months!" One girl called form the audience.

Iruka felt like vomiting. His cute, innocent (well, not really), little blond student was _fornicating _with the Uchiha boy? _Oh god, bring me a freaking Advil._

"Iruka?" The tall girl asked, looking mildly concerned. "You okay?"

"Fine…" He mumbled, ducking his head between his legs. That was what you were supposed to do, right?

"Anyway, Iruka, as we were saying. We're always right about these things. Always."

"No, I'm really not-"

She sighed. "Iruka, you may not be flamboyantly gay, like, say, Haku. You aren't child-molester-sexy-gay, like Gaara. But you are gay. And you are destined to be with Kakashi." She patted him awkwardly.

He shook his head, "No, I-"

She bit her lip in frustration. "Fine. Don't believe me? Then I'll show you." She conjured up images, dozens of images.

Kakashi dancing in front of the Icha Icha poster, Kakashi closing his eyes in a concealed grin, Kakashi protecting his students, Kakashi performing a jutsu…

Kakashi being Kakashi.

And Iruka had an epiphany.

Kakashi was sexy. Kakashi was, so to speak, the wettest of all wet dreams. Kakashi wasn't gonna freaking end up with Gai. No way in hell.

"Can you, um, let me outta here?"

The blonde blinked. "Was I right, then?"

Iruka blushed. "I suppose."

The girl grinned merrily, hand curling in a triumphant fist. "Oh good, we've got Gaara coming in next, and he's gonna be a tough cookie."

The previously benign clouds began to swarm, enveloping him in fluffy warmth.

"Sayonara, Iruka, I hope things go well!" She shouted over the din of the swirling fog. "Remember, it's never too early for sex! Handcuffs are good! Coffee tables are generally uncomfortable, and use a con-"

He cut her off. "Thank you, Ms…"

"Eveni!" She called, Sailor-Yaoi skirt blowing in the wind.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Sunlight filtered into the room, bathing Iruka's home in a golden glow. Birds twittered annoyingly, their song making certain brunets stir.

Iruka woke with a start. He looked around, noting that everything was the same.

The same kitchen, pots and pans polished to their shining perfection, orderly desk, papers stacked and filed neatly, and even last night's dinner, wholesome and nutritious, left on the counter, abandoned the night before due to Iruka's exhaustion.

The only difference in the entire house was his bed, which only last night was made, but was now sporting a 'hurricane-hit-me-and-me-alone' look.

Iruka blinked.

_No clouds, no obscene bubbles, I'm home!_

He jumped up, scuttling to the window awkwardly. There stood Kakashi, back to the timid teacher, speaking with the ever-eccentric Gai.

"Oh shi-"

He rushed from the room, slipping a shirt over his head as he ran.

He tripped over several steps, earning three bruises and a thoroughly stubbed toe. But Iruka continued to run, plagued with the idea of Gai's eyebrows arching as Kakashi… ew.

Kakashi waited outside, ignoring the green-clad ninja boredly. He had his disgusting romance novel open, eyes widening and narrowing according with the story's events. Gai didn't seem to notice as Iruka approached.

"A-ano, Gai-san, I was just…" Iruka cleared his throat as the two jounins stared. "Can I speak with Kakashi-san, _alone_?"

Gai chortled happily. "I wish you luck, my youthful rival." He skipped away into the sunset.

"That wasn't there a minute ago…" Kakashi muttered quietly.

Iruka kissed him.

Well, almost. Kakashi's mask was in the way.

_Oh fucking-_

Kakashi blinked. "That was…" He scratched his chin. "Unexpected."

Iruka closed his eyes, turning a burning crimson. It would seem that he couldn't do anything right, not even kiss the stupid-

Kakashi grinned. "But not unwelcome." He slung a long arm over Iruka's shoulder. "In fact, it was _very _welcome."

And Iruka found himself back in bed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. I just had to do that.

If you want Naruto's version of this, just ask. But asking involves reviews, hmm?

So, if you didn't get that subtle hint, review. Make my day.


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